5 Ways to Support a Friend Who is in a Toxic Romantic Relationship
Almost seven years ago, I found myself in a relationship that could have destroyed me. It only lasted three months, but if I hadn’t gotten out when I did, I don’t know who I’d be today. I might still be here physically, but I would have lost myself completely. That version of me was naive and believed she’d discovered the love of her life, but she was fighting battles she didn’t know how to name.
Looking back now, I can see how deeply I needed someone to tell me the truth, to believe me, to love me without trying to control me. I needed support, but I also needed clarity. And clarity only came when I finally stepped away long enough to see the relationship for what it was: toxic, manipulative, and dangerous.
Nearly a year later when the dust had finally begun to settle, I wrote the blog post below. I wrote it for the woman I once was and for those who might know someone like her... A wise friend can make all the difference! I’m sharing it here now for the person who needs these words today.
How to Support a Friend Who is in a Toxic Romantic Relationship
1. Let her know you love and support her, no matter what.
If someone you love is in a toxic relationship, please be patient with her, but please be honest about what you see when the moment presents itself.
A good way to share your concern is to first express that you love and support her, and then express your concern without trying to make her decision for her — especially if she’s not ready to leave that person.
Support her relentlessly, even if she goes back to a toxic situation. Don’t make her feel stupid for being with someone who is breaking her down. She’s already being broken down by the person she’s convinced she loves, she doesn’t need to get it from you, too.
2. Believe what she tells you.
Believe her when she confides in you. Tell her that you believe her.
We would all like to think that we would never get into a toxic, even dangerous relationship. But it can happen to any of us, despite our better judgment.
Once an expert abuser has sunk his hooks into a girl, it is so hard for her to see him for who he really is. She’ll believe their relationship is special. As she gets more involved with him, she gets trapped in a volatile cycle of abuse that she can’t seem to get out of. If she’s a strong woman, she’ll believe she can handle him. She’ll believe that she can and SHOULD help him. She’ll paint a fairytale picture for everyone else, while she lives through a hellish nightmare when he is losing control with her and euphoric highs when he’s love-bombing her.
Not many people will know about what is really going on. It helps when the ones who do know are quick to express their constructive concerns while also being supportive of her decisions, even when she chooses to stay.
It’s shocking when a woman’s closest friend doesn’t believe her when she confides that she’s being abused. Most times this will happen when that other person has unknowingly been manipulated by the abuser as well, who may be an expert manipulator. In many cases, the abuser will convince their mutual friends that his woman is mentally ill — and sometimes she WILL be behaving erratically because she is desperate to get away from him. He will have evidence of erratic behavior and it will be easy for him to get others to believe him.
When a woman whispers to you in confidence that she’s being abused, BELIEVE HER. PLEASE.
3. Don’t control your friend. Don’t make decisions for her.
Don’t tell her that “you’re afraid she will talk herself out of doing the right thing” because trust me, she already doesn’t feel like she can trust herself to make the right decision.
Tell her you are so proud of her. Tell her that she is stronger than she thinks she is. Tell her that you’re on her side. Tell her that you love her no matter what.
4. Once she’s ready to leave, help her to be strong.
Research tells us that it takes someone an average of seven breakup cycles to get away from an abusive person before they break away for good. And it takes a minimum of 11 weeks to get over them.
Be ready to help her block that person when she gets away. Be ready to help her create as much space as possible in order to start seeing things clearly. Check-in with her regularly, because it will be tempting and easy for her to go back to that person.
Help her call the abuse for what it is instead of justifying or diminishing it. Help her change the wording from “he was just frustrated with me” to “he was abusing me”. That distinction is really important.
Don’t encourage a permanent victim mindset, but she does need time to bleed and process her hurt and trauma once the blinders have fully come off. Keep reminding her that she is strong, and capable, and brave.
5. You can help, but you cannot be her savior.
Encourage your friend to work with a professional therapist. You cannot become her savior or else the vicious cycle of codependent behaviors will just continue. Your friend needs to learn how to stand on her own and use this experience to become smarter and stronger.
Ultimately, your friend was the one who chose to enter a toxic relationship and it is up to her to choose to walk away. The consequences of being in that relationship are the consequences that she will pay. One day she will be so grateful that she finally got enough clarity to be brave and found the willingness to do the right thing.
Are you in a toxic relationship?
If you in an abusive situation and your stomach just got sick as you read this, PLEASE do not ignore that feeling.
If you’re afraid that your relationship might be toxic, it probably is! Don’t doubt yourself. Are you justifying toxic behavior? Are you afraid of doing the right thing? Shoot, maybe you’re not even sure what the right thing is because someone has so thoroughly messed with your mind… I know what that’s like.
This diagram might help to give you some clarity.
I promise you are stronger than you think you are. Listen to the warnings of your intuition. Don’t ignore the red flags.
If you’re in a toxic relationship, you might be convinced that it’s actually completely unique and special. You might be convinced that no one else has what you have. It might feel like your life would be meaningless without them. You might be convinced that no one else understands your lover like you do and vice versa. But it’s not true. I’m so sorry. This isn’t love. You’re in a game that you’ll never fully understand.
If you have a friend who’s tried to hold up a mirror of truth, thank them. Believe them.
Leave, before it’s too late. Leave before you go through yet another round of complete mind fuckery. Leave before you have time to talk yourself back into that relationship.
If you’ve left and you’re experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms, stay strong. Don’t. go. back. Don’t reopen communication. Lean into the loneliness of the uncomfortable healing process and find healthy people who will also help you choose the right next steps.
This isn’t the end of your story. It’s the start of your freedom. Choose yourself now, so you don’t spend years trying to find the pieces later.
Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor. Please be fully honest about your relationship with a professional counselor to get more insight.
